Am I gay?
OK. I'm very nervous about this. Many people think of me as effeminate and my best friend is gay, which doesn't help... But anyway, I think I am gay, but I'm not sure what I should do, if anything, about it. This argument has built inside me and has caused me much internal distress... I love men, and could see myself kissing, sleeping and loving one (that was weird) but I have moments where I could hold and love a woman, but the idea of having sex with her makes me feel sick. I've had a hard time at school, and I've reassured many that I'm straight (if I am). But lately I've been getting attention from various females, and the more I think of myself in that situation, I feel awkward and unnatural... I am very nervous how being gay would change my relationship with my teachers, with my future teachers and peers, and that makes me feel awkward. I'm am also a 'pagan' (spiritualist/wiccan) and I'm having internal reforms about being a Christain... I now believe in God, but it's kinda awkward with that too. It's tearing me up that I think I'm gay and with all this stuff about going to hell if your gay, I'm so unsure...
I know if I came out SOME of my friends would be OK with that, but what about others? Will I be accepted? My gay friend has most certainly, and all the teachers know he is gay, but all my peers and teachers trust me. I'm unsure whether me being gay would change that situation.... Please respond. This is the only time I've written or spoken about this.
The Young Lovers' Guide replies:
Wow! There's a lot going on there.
I'm afraid I can't tell you whether you're gay or not, but from what you do say it does sound as if you're telling me that you are - or maybe bisexual.
I should say that many, many people feel love - and fancy - other guys while they're growing up. Yep, that's the 'it's a phase' line - but it is true for a lot of people and certainly not something they should fear or be ashamed of.
And for many people, of course, it isn't a phase.
Let's assume that there comes a point when you decide, or accept, that you are gay. Who do you tell? Well, that depends a lot on the attitudes of the people around you - and you don't have to think of it as all or nothing; you could just tell one or two people, although gossip being as it is...
If people are broadly tolerant, my personal view is that gay people become on the whole happier when they don't feel they're hiding themselves and their sexuality. It doesn't exactly stop being an issue. Actually, it can become the gossip of the week. But at least it gets it out in the open, meaning that you don't feel you're hiding and you and everyone else can just accept that that's a part of who you are. NB: a part.
If you do think you would be bullied if you came out, then it might be wise to be discrete.
Having said all that, it looks pretty significant to me that your best friend is gay - and that some of your friends are okay with that.
Have you thought about talking this through with him? He sounds ideally placed to help you out with advice on what being gay might entail in your area. You don't even have to tell him you are gay, if you're not sure; just that you might be.
Could you trust your best friend - to talk about this with him?
If you could, and you decided you were gay - well, that's a pretty cool situation to be in! I mean, wish my best friend were gay!
Give it some thought. Once you've decided you do want to talk things through with him, it shouldn't be too hard to find the words.
As for the Christian perspective on this... All I know is that there are lots of gay Christians - and I refuse to believe that any God worth worshipping would create gay people if he intended only to punish them. We're a beautiful part of creation - so be proud!
If your boyfriend or girlfriend falls silent, something's up.
Explain that you want to be 'let in' - then it can be good to give them space, tell them to call and let them come back to you